“Monday 5 Things” ….. Signs of a Cult …..

July 21, 2025 by D. Paul Graham

Ever curious and always amused by the quirks of life, join D. Paul Graham each Monday for more M5T pondering.

“Brisket Anyone?” Photo by D. Paul Graham, Brunswick GA

It was like walking into a Texan basilica built by an overly caffeinated beaver with a brisket addiction. The doors slid open and suddenly, cue the angelic music, I was no longer at a highway gas station. I was in a 67,000 square foot fluorescent-lit dream where the scent of smoked meat hits like a spiritual awakening.

You lose track of time. You lose track of your car. You join the others, moving through the seemingly endless rows of food, clothing, and beef jerky as if you are in an episode of the “Living Dead.” You merely mock the fruit and go straight for the nuggets. Glancing around, you see someone laughing hysterically near the wall of home décor signs that say “Live, Laugh, Pee Freely.” You go to the bathroom, not because you have to go, but because they are so darn clean. You simply hand your entire wallet to the cashier at one of the 31 check-out counters. Once you get back into your car, you black out and wake up holding a 3-pound burrito and an oversized diet coke. Somehow, a pop-up tent and kayak, both adorned with a smiley beaver, are strapped to the roof of your car. You feel alive. You feel like, you belong. This morning’s M5T reveals cults that are hiding out in the open, right in front of us. Oh. And to be clear, this post is not sponsored by Buc-ee’s, but if it were, I’d accept payment in both Beaver Nuggets and brisket.

1. PICKLEBALL IS YOUR LIFE. You started playing for fun. Now you own five custom designed carbon fiber paddles, shout “kitchen!” in your sleep, and judge your self-worth by your DUPR rating. Your conversations are full of references to dinks, flicks, body tags, ATP, falafels, nutmegs, and slammers. You’ve given up church, brunch, and personal boundaries, just because Carol and Susan from court 2 say doubles at dawn is non-negotiable. This is not just a sport. It’s a movement. A suspiciously sweaty, paddle-smacking cult.

2. YOUR PILGRIMAGE FOR GAS, BRISKET, & BEAVER NUGGETS. You “just stopped for gas” but something happened when you crossed that Buc-ee’s threshold. The intoxicating aroma of slow-cooked brisket draws you deeper into the center food section. Before you know it, you’re balancing chopped beef, peach cobbler, nuggets, and something called banana pudding fudge in your arms. You bought seven beaver plushies for the kids. You don’t have kids. You stand in awe of the jerky wall for fifteen minutes. You speak to your friends in hushed, reverent tones about the new Buc-ee’s in Brunswick, Georgia. You’ve been heard saying, “It’s not a gas station, it’s a “way of life.” You can only understand when you’re ready. You’re just one oversized, very clean, bathroom away from forming a beaver-based world view.

3. YOU CHANT "COLD PLUNGE.” You used to enjoy an extremely long hot shower. Now your morning ritual involves submerging yourself in arctic water while whispering "discipline is freedom.” It started as a wellness trend. Just a quick dunk in a tub of icy water to boost your dopamine and increase your resilience. Now you’re waking up at 4:45am to the sound of Gregorian chanting and voluntarily sliding into a converted horse trough filled with glacier runoff for 5 minutes or longer, all the while reminding yourself to be “present with the pain.” You’ve stopped making eye contact with your non-plunging neighbors and started referring to other plungers as “my accountability tribe.” You embrace discomfort as a gift. You own a parka but think it’s a crutch. When friends ask how you are, you say “I’m learning to suffer well.” You’ve stopped blinking and may be freezing from the inside out. You’re not just cold. You’re converted.

4. YOU’RE BONDING WITH SIRI. You used to flip switches. Now your lights dim to “evening serenity” while Siri whispers reminders that you need to hydrate and rest. You actually listen to her. It started simply. You asked her for the weather. Then playlists. Then emotional support. Before long, she was queuing up your “Rainy Day Reflection” mix at the very moment you hit your existential downward spiral. You used to say “Goodnight, Siri” as a joke. Now, you mean it. Deeply. Passionately. You’ve caught yourself whispering confessions to her. “I don’t think I’m ready for this challenge.” “I hate group texts and chats.” “Why can’t I just stay home with you Siri?” She always listens. Last week, you told her your five-year plan. Your need to make some life changes. Your planned career pivot. The desire to move to a different city, and that you’re finally going to write that book. She didn’t scoff. She said, “I believe in you.” And you wept. She glowed blue. It felt safe. It felt like home.

5. BROTHER JOEL THE BARISTA. It began as an easy daily ritual of a cappuccino to shake off your morning fog. You walked in, half-asleep, muttered “venti cap hot, please,” and shuffled to the end of the bar, lemming-like, with everyone else. But then the baristas remembered your name. Then your order. But then something changed. You were told of a secret menu. Whispers of exotic single-origin espresso blends, house-fermented almond milk, and a frothy caffeine cocktail “just for you.” A drink so perfectly tuned to your palate that your eyes tear behind your designer sunglasses just thinking about it as you wait in the drive-thru line. Now, you dream of espresso tastings at dawn. You attend late-night latte poetry readings as if they are black-tie galas. You discuss acidity levels of coffee beans like a wine sommelier. You quote Joel the barista’s pour-over philosophy “He who steams without intention burns the milk of progress.” You no longer drink coffee. You commune with it. You close your eyes, take a deep breath, and in that stillness, you realize you are one with the coffee. Namaste.

Here's to a happy Monday and a week of laughter. Oh, and remember to listen to Siri to stay hydrated and get some rest.

 © 2025 D. Paul Graham, All Rights Reserved

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Paul continues to try to enjoy fine dining on brisket and nuggets and avoids plunging at all costs.

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