260921 By D. Paul Graham

Because Mondays are easier when you don’t dance with every bad habit that asks.

***“Where Shadows Meet”. Closeness revealed in shadow and held at a distance by glass. Photo by D. Paul Graham, City Market, Savannah GA circa 2017***

In my twenties, I attended a fundraiser in Toronto where, for my first time, I saw a tango performed live. I was transfixed by the sensuality and precision of the dance. It felt like a conversation in motion. Two beautiful and elegant dancers in a close embrace, answering each deliberate step with a subtle shift of weight. When they would pause, everyone in the ballroom held their breath. I could see the trust it took to move between control and surrender. They always seemed to know where the other would go next, leaving me completely captivated.

Everyday life has its own tangos, although the costumes can be disappointing and nobody offers us a rose. We hear a familiar thought, respond on cue, and find ourselves moving through steps we never meant to learn. By the time we realize what’s playing, we’ve lost an afternoon, strained a relationship, or talked ourselves out of something we wanted to do. Apparently, knowing a dance well is no guarantee that it’s good for us.

This morning’s M5T considers five of life’s tangos. I suspect we all know at least one of these by heart. The challenge is in recognizing the opening notes in time to either sit it out or dance.

1. THE TANGO OF PERFECTIONISM. We tell ourselves we’ll begin when we have the right plan, the right equipment, or a Tuesday with no interruptions. Then we polish the plan, research the equipment, and discover that Tuesdays remain Tuesdays. Perfectionism may look like high standards but sometimes it can be fear wearing Armani. If we never begin, we never have to find out whether we’re any good. We also never get the chance to become great, which seems like a rather expensive way to protect our pride.

2. THE TANGO OF SCOREKEEPING. I made the call. You didn’t. I picked up dinner. You forgot last Thursday. Little by little, we start recording what we give and what we receive. Fairness matters, especially when one person has carried too much for too long. But no relationship is balanced on every ordinary day. Sometimes generosity means carrying more. Sometimes honesty means admitting we need help. Keeping score can alert us to a problem, but only a conversation gives us a chance to solve it.

3. THE TANGO OF URGENCY. Everything is pressing, especially the things delivered with a notification sound. We answer quickly, decide quickly, and mistake being in demand for being effective. I’ve responded to messages while doing something I cared about, only to discover that the “urgent” matter could have waited until Thursday. Attention is how we spend our lives, one ordinary minute at a time. That makes it too valuable to hand over every time a phone lights up. Some things deserve a prompt answer. Others can survive until after coffee.

4. THE TANGO OF RESENTMENT. We say, “It’s fine,” in a tone that could strip paint. We agree to something we don’t want to do, then quietly indict the other person for taking us at our word. I know this dance. Speaking honestly can feel uncomfortable in the moment, so we avoid it and pay for it in installments. There is kindness in being flexible, but there is little kindness in offering a yes that grows steadily more bitter. The first step out is often an awkward but useful sentence: “Actually, that doesn’t work for me.” Or in a word, “No.”

5. THE TANGO OF CYNICISM. Disappointment teaches us to be careful. Cynicism persuades us that we’re clever for expecting the worst. It gets a laugh, sometimes a very good one, and it spares us the embarrassment of being hopeful in public. But if we dismiss every promising thing before it has a chance to disappoint us, we also preclude it from surprising us. Experience should make us wiser about where we place our trust. I’d hate for it to leave me unable to place trust anywhere.

Here’s to a week of hearing the first notes of an old tango and have the wisdom to know if you should dance or sit this one out.

Paul continues to listen for the opening notes before agreeing to another dance.

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